hey there sweet pea!

it has been a few weeks since our easter announcement. i have continued feeling gaggy, bloated, and sleepy everyday. the everyday reminder that there is life growing inside of me. there are a couple of new developments also: 1. my pants are no longer fitting. i've never been a thin girl. i have always had plenty of thigh and bum meat, but now my tummy is getting in on the fun. dont know if its more because im bloated, or if i have actually gained weight, but my used-to-fit-perfectly pants are no longer closing. A chastised me this morning after i laid down to try to close one of my favorite pairs of jeans. We went shopping the other day and i didnt necesariliy have to wear those jeans, but i wanted to. yeah, that the last time im going to try to fit into those pants... hopefully for the next 10 months. :) 2. we had our first ultrasound on tuesday. our little one is growing just as he should be. he's so tiny ( and he's a HE until the doctor says any different )

A has been bugging me to let her announce it to all our friends on facebook. after the ultrasound, i let her. we have received so many well wishes and support. really makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. it has taken away  the bad taste left in my mouth after easter. i know its early, and most people wait until they are out of their first trimester, but i have faith in God, that whatever happens we will be ok. i am enjoying my pregnancy day by day, and although the future holds a ton of uncertainty, i want to embrace my faith that everything will be ok. that come december, i will be holding a tiny little human in my arms. my heart and body are no longer my own, i love this little guy growing inside of me.

i am looking forward to a couple of things in the next couple of weeks. one week from today, we will be going to san antonio for Fiesta. we like to describe this party-all-the-time, shut-down-the-city as the mexican mardi gras. its alot of fun, especially when you're drinking all weekend. in lieu of alcohol, i will be eating. or trying to anyways. since last night, i have been throwing up after eating. even though one of my most hated activities is throwing up, after reading that actual throwing up has a positive correlation to a lower risk of miscarriage, i dont mind it so much.

I found an awesome article online about things you dont ask lesbian moms. I have found it super funny and irritating when people ask me "i thought you only liked girls?" I dont know if to bust out laughing or to punch them in the throat. I find it completely ridiculous. I guess i have given people too much credit. i assume people read, watch the news, or are generally informed. guess not.   They like to ask who the dad is. well, there is no dad. our child will have two moms. "well, where did the sperm come from?" why is that and ok question to ask? and no i am not ok talking about who the donor is or what he looks like. our child will be raised in a mexican american household and that all that matters. i guess these are just questions i really didnt expect to be asked. I just thought people would have a little more tact than to ask. boy, was i wrong.

I feel like my belly is getting rounder everyday. most likely because im crazy bloated, but it does make the hunny smile to see that im getting fluffier, as she says. my boobs are so much bigger than they normally are, or at least they feel that way. I havent really worn a regular bra in a few months, mostly sports bras. even my comfy sports bras are feeling tight. we'll give it a few more weeks, and then i might have to break down and buy another couple pairs of bras.

thats life right now. looking forward to our next appointment on the 25th. :) we'll hear our little guys heartbeat!! 

Needing to vent...

I have had a few days to marinate on the weekends events. overall we had a great weekend. spent time with family, made more memories. but this year, we came to Easter with our own little bit of news. Saturday night we had dinner with A's mom, her sisters and an aunt that tagged along. we decided we would tell them that night. I went out and bought her mom a really sweet card and included a picture of our positive pregnancy test. Her mom read it and looked like she was going to burst into a happy yell any minute, but nothing ever happened. she seemed extremely confused. not sure if to be happy, or ask questions. there was no big hug, no congratulations. it just lacked the emotion that i was hoping for. to make the dinner even more awkward, it only took her aunt a couple of minutes to start telling us about the funeral of her friend that passed away the week before from complications from childbirth. REALLY? I am very sorry for that woman and her family, but that was one of the most distasteful and inappropriate moments to tell that story.

Easter Sunday started out with me gagging loudly in the bathroom and A's mom looking at me like "poor girl". That afternoon we went to A's grandmas house for lunch and the annual egg hunt. We decided since her aunt knew, it would only be a matter of time before everyone knew. We went ahead and spread the news. There was again some confusion, but overall the feel was more celebratory than the night before. that is until one of A's aunts came to me, and said " i heard... Congratulations!" gave me a hug and then added " but you know i have mixed feelings about it" WHAT? let me count the ways that that little addition was unnecessary. 

1. if your congratulations was not sincere because you are not 100% happy for us, don't waste your breath. 

2. for a woman that is such an avid churchgoer, your sense of love and compassion was little to none at that moment. 

3. please don't tell me you have mixed feelings, because although you were not sincere with your congratulations, i will be sincere and tell you that your feelings about my life are not very important to me.

and it felt like every time i walked into a room, i kept hearing the wonderful death by childbirth story... I felt like screaming.

stopped at  my mom's to share the news with her. had to do it quietly to not arouse suspicion from my dad, who i am going to wait to tell until June. She smiled and said that she was happy but she wanted to hold off being excited until i knew for sure. As in, keep calm until your first trimester is over. WTF?? I expected a totally different response. I don't know about anyone else, but i am beyond excited. I have a tiny human growing inside of me. That tiny human was prayed for and hoped for months now. i know there are risks, but i have so much faith in God and the Mother, that come December, we will be welcoming our little one, both of us healthy and safe.

Even though our support from our families is thin, we do have an incredible support system. My sister has been a sweetheart, my best friend has been there for us since the very beginning, A's sister has also been sweet. And we have each other. 

tried to wait....

so... i have had crazy symptoms all week. monday morning i woke up to the worst nausea I have ever felt. turns out it was early morning sickness. had it monday, then tuesday... this gave my lovely gf the fuel to push me to test earlier than we meant to. So wednesday morning i attempted to POAS. We bought the Equate brand HPT.  My first attempt was dumb. I think i was still half asleep and pretty much missed the stick. So i tried it again and got this...

As you can tell it was very faint. And after researching online, and finding review after review about how blue dye tests give false positives, I didn't want to get too excited. That afternoon we went out and bought a more reliable, pink dye FRER. Wednesday morning, I peed into a cup and dipped... Much better for my uncoordinated self. This time, we got this result...

A little better. Definitely two lines but the faintness didnt make me feel like I was pregnant. Lets try this one more time...

A darker line! Yay! and now to make it official...

Ladies and gents! I am pregnant! We are overjoyed! super excited! Now to hold our tongues for a couple of weeks before we tell our families :)

one week away...

in one week i will know if there is a little one growing inside of me. In one week i will know if i should be going shopping for maternity clothes, or if i will be hitting the gym hard. in one week...

I am ready. I will be on the lookout for bleeding this week, either implantation or AF. hopefully implantation. :) I know its silly, but since the first time i saw my uterus, ive been talking to the baby. a baby that hadnt been conceived yet, but that had already found a place in my heart and mind. now that we are only a week away from a definite answer, ive been talking more and more to our little one. i close my eyes and ask him to stick around. i tell him that i love him, and that i promise i will give him the best home if he hangs around. I remind him that he has two mommas waiting out here to give him all the love and attention he needs. I hope he hears me.

I know i sound like a crazy lady, but I have this crazy faith that this is it. and for now, i am ok living in this craziness. :)

whats going on in there??

so before we had our iui, i braced myself for my symptoms. I get symptoms for AF about a week before, and i figured that i would feel the same thing during tww so i wouldnt get too excited over anything. oh was i wrong...

since 1dpo i have had this "full" feeling. i described it to A as a mixture of butterflies and cramps. very odd feeling. def nothing ive felt before. I have felt hungrier, but i cant say that its any real "symptom". I stopped smoking and nerves have def been a part of my every waking moment. food is probably just something that calms me...

yesterday, 3dpo, i had the "full" feeling all day. when bedtime arrived, I was laying in bed and got the biggest wave of nauseau. I felt like i was going to throw up. The only thing I could do to feel better is go to sleep.

Now today... 4dpo. I have felt so tired and full-crampy. Yawning at work all day with a dull headache. couldnt wait to get home and lay on the couch and pass out. which is exactly what i did. slept hard for about an hour and woke up feeling like a truck hit me in my sleep. I had to work had at waking up and feel better. even as i write this, i have a slight headache.

i'm trying not to look up every symptom i feel, but it is hard to stay away from google. A is being so sweet and understanding. Even last night she was looking up things so she knows how to deal with what im going through. I really found me a good one. ill keep updating any other symptoms. we have decided to test on sunday morning. just for shits and giggles. crossing our fingers and hoping for the best. :)

triggers, iui's and tww's

went in for my last ultrasound on Wednesday. ms follie grew 5 mm and was at a healthy 19 mm. I got my trigger shot and we did the iui yesterday.

Before we went in, I think I was slightly obsessive about everything. Going over the process in my head over and over. Talking A's ear off about it.
Friday morning I just felt excited. Like when you're going to a concert of someone you really like. She came with me and ordered our vial, had some breakfast and then went in for the procedure. Dr G was very gentle, but I still felt slight discomfort. It was so quick that I almost missed it. I felt a little cramp and he said we were done.
Now I have to act pregnant. Don't do anything I wouldn't do if I were pregnant. That's no problem.
So now we're in the tww. To be honest, I thought I would be freaking out but, I feel really good. I feel relieved and peaceful I know we have done all we could and now it's in God's hands. In two weeks we will know what he decided and we'll go from there.

I'll update any symptoms I might feel in the next few days.

one more u/s

its been an interesting couple of days. I went to the doctor on monday for a post clomid ultrasound. I have one front runner that was at 14mm and three more that were slightly smaller. I have been focusing all of my energy on growing those babies into big healthy eggs. Ive done a few unorthodox things. lol couldnt hurt right? a few forum posts have suggested to lay with your legs up for 20 minutes, others say to keep a heating pad on your ovaries, drink lots of milk, eat lots of protein, and chug water all day. well, guess whos been doing that for the last couple of days? this gal. i have one more ultrasound tomorrow. hopefully they are a good size and more than that, hopefully theres two of them. if so, i will get a trigger shot and we will inseminate on friday.

I had to take a step i was hoping to wait on for a little while. I was trying to wait on telling my boss about our pregnancy plans but considering im having to take significant time off this week, i couldnt keep him in the dark much longer. I was thinking of fibbing but i couldnt do it. it felt like bad karma. he was actually really cool about it and told me to do what i needed to do.

and now im off to bed. gonna put my feet up for the necessary 20 minutes, with a heating pad on my ovaries, and then gonna take my fiber, multi vitamin and prenatal vitamin drink a big glass of milk.

Good night loves!

prayers and horoscopes

i have my first post-clomid ultrasound tomorrow. Im ready to find out whats going on with the follies. I feel heavy... I imagine my fallopian tubes looking like trees full of fruit. Ripe and ready to fall... As if my eggs are large peaches hanging heavily off the limbs. I feel as if I have gained weight. My pants fit tighter than normal, but the scale hasnt moved from a 4lb range. Its probably just bloat. I do, however, realize that if in about two weeks I get a BFP, I will be shopping for bigger clothes very soon.

I have had a pretty good weekend. Been to the rodeo twice in the last week. Once to see Bruno Mars, and last night went to see the Band Perry. Its been much needed distraction. I think I have been thinking too hard and too long about it. Today, I have been home alone with my thoughts and all I could do all day is stop and pray every five minutes. Speaking out loud to the Mother and her Son, my grandmother and her grandfather. Asking them to help us in this journey. Asking them for everything to look good tomorrow, and later on this week to help the little seamen make their way to Ms. Follie. I am such a control freak and having to leave it all up to God is hard for me, but I know that none of this is under our control. He has a plan, and all we can do is pray that it works out.

So tonight I will light a candle for Mary, I will pray to her and Him. Hoping my prayers are heard in the heavens.

PS. this was my horoscope on Friday. :)

You might decide to take some extra time at lunch or take off early - some recreational sport or hobby beckons. There is an amazingly good aspect in your "love and family" sectors right now - if you have been trying to start a family or add to one, now is the time to get busy with your, uhm, "expansion plans".

one week

in one week i will be in limbo between the ultrasound and our insemination date. in one week, i will be sitting here, watching king of queens reruns, trying to keep my mind occupied.

today is day four of the clomid. i have been lucky enough that i have not felt many symptoms. until today... I had only had a couple of hot flashes, definite cramping or throbbing in my ovary regions, and i have been tired, like TIRED. I took pill #4 at around 4 o'clock today, and i have been cramping all afternoon and whoa, the mood swings. I was able to see my nephew this evening, and it brought all sorts of emotions to the surface. ive been crying on and off all evening. last day of clomid tomorrow. thank jeebus.

yesterday was the first year anniversary of a's grandfather's passing. we made a trip to visit burial place, and while her family was making small talk about people they know, i.e. gossip, all i could do was talk to him in my head. thanking him for all his amazing help. for being there for us even after being gone. I know he can hear us. i know he knows we think about him every day.

i have been feeling a little alone the last couple of days. i know i have a. here but ive been feeling like i have been talking about baby things all the time. I feel like i have been boring her, or annoying her, or just not keeping her interest. ugh... its probably just in my head.

Im so ready to be preggers... one more week.

Good Luck Signs and Random Writings

Well, hello there. We've had some pretty good days since the money came in. Got to buy .5 of our baby. That was interesting...

Friday morning, I called NC but they are 2 hours behind and I had to pretend to work while I waited for them to open. Finally, I was able to speak to someone and excitedly ordered our seamen. Donor 122M? Oh, no. He is no longer available. WTH? Its ok though. We liked him, but ultimately, we knew that this could happen and A gave me the ok to make an executive decision. And I did. I chose Mr. 1611. His profile was pretty average, except for one thing. On the essay, he was asked why he was donating. All the other guys went on to say how much they wanted to help childless couples have children and other noble reasons, not Mr. 1611. He was brutally honest and answered that he needed the money. No frills. Right then, I called NC back and ordered the seamen.

We are now just waiting on AF. She has made sure I know she's on her way, making me cramp on and off all day. I don't mind. I'll be happy to see her.

I am great believer in signs, and I feel like I have seen signs everywhere lately. Starting the week I had to get my HSG done. I had to make at least a partial payment, and luckily I received my refund and was able to make the payment on time so I wouldn't be delayed. If you have been reading this, then you also know that we were waiting on A's refund to buy the seamen. We were almost at the point of giving up and had said that if by Friday it didn't come through then we were just going to wait until next cycle. Thursday night, our phones buzzed and a text message came through. The money was in.  The most recent sign was Saturday. As A was driving, I noticed a bug on me. At first I freaked out a little it. Then I realized it was a ladybug. She walked on me and flew to my hand. I looked up the significance of ladybugs. After all, ladybugs are considered good luck. Turns out that they are associated with the Virgin Mary. I am a great believer that she listens to those that are really in need, and in my situation, she has listened to me every time I needed her. So, I am trusting the signs. I know A's grandfather has also been watching over us and he knows how much we love each other.

Today at work, something came over me and I couldn't stop writing. Here's goes what I wrote:

My days are fueled with lots of hoping and dreaming. I close my eyes and visualize the two halves meeting and it being love at first sight. S taking F's hand and leading her towards the empty dance floor. S & F becoming one and then becoming many. The greatest love story never told. It would be amazing if it happened like that. That even in a microscopic realm, it was love that ruled. That every organism, no matter how small had the chance of feeling. What makes us want to create our own little one. The kind of love that buries itself, not only in your brain & heart, but your bones, running through your veins. Feeling it pulse beneath your skin. What if the love I feel, my cells feel, which in turn, F feels. That she knows how much we want this and that she will make herself as receptive to S's attention as possible. Cells can feel, cant they? I mean, they are the building blocks that create the producers of feelings. They create and make up the heart that not only beats to sustain you, but that beats that burning sensation when one  thinks of that someone. It creates the stomach, that churns with a million butterflies when that someone is close. They build the brain, that sometimes is the only tether to reality. The one rational voice that asks you to slow down, think about it, realize there are other scenarios. They have to feel, those cells. Because if they don't, then we wouldn't live. If they don't, then we'd be dead. No longer alive with love, hope and fear. So, little cells, I close my eyes, i transmit all my love and want to you. I hope you feel it little cells and pass it on to F & S. That they fall desperately in love and never ever separate. 

Random, I know.

Ching Ching!!

Money just came in!! Buying the seamen tomorrow! So freaking excited!!

Sigh...

Damn IRS messing up our perfectly laid out plans... I'm supposed to be getting AF next Monday. Then I start clomid on cd3 and should be having our first insem march 8th. Well... All that is really pretty on paper, but we have not received a's tax return. So, not that all hope is lost, but it's turned into just a little glimmer. If AF holds off until Monday and we were to get the money by Friday, we can order the seamen and be ready. I know we decided that if it didnt happen this month it was going to be ok. Everything happens for a reason....blah...blah... But I'm having terrible Pms and my emotions are all over the place.
Since we started talking about it, the desire to have a baby has dug itself deep in my heart. Now it won't let up. Just gets deeper and stronger. A year ago I would have thought me feeling this would've been crazy, but holy crap. I'm ready! Now to find a couple of goals for the next thirty days. Lose weight? Stop smoking? Read more? Paint more? Jeebus, we'll see what happens.

barbecue and beatles

its been a couple of weeks since the hsg. to my utter content and relief, everything flowed correctly. that along with the u/s findings that i have one ovary with 7 follicles and one with 16, has created this really positive and exciting aura that we go to sleep in, wake up in, and spend all day in. physically i am very ready. all tests out of the way, all results known, all im waiting on is cd1. then we jump on the clomid train, ovulation patrol, and finally insemination.

unfortunately, we are in a bit of a fuzzy stage monetarily. we have planned to do this with a's tax return which was delayed due to the incompetence in decision making skills in washington. ive been anxiously checking the irs website to see if it has been processed or not, but no answer yet. we had a talk and came up with a plan. we are huge believers in signs and that everything happens for a reason. if the money is in by wed. we will be ordering the seamen on friday to have them shipped to our dr's office for use in the next couple of weeks. if wed comes and goes and theres no money in our account, then it wasnt meant to happen this cycle and we will wait to insem in april. either way is fine by me. I know things that are rushed dont usually turn out well, and this is one of those things that I need to turn out well.

thats where we are now. playing the waiting game. fun...

my mother has been freaking me out. the other day we were at her house, working on a jigsaw puzzle and watching the latest novela, when she blurted out, "you need to have a baby already!" my mouth fell open and i glanced at a hoping she'd see that i havent said one word to her about our plans. i probably havent mentioned this, but when we decided to start a family, we knew we didnt want our families involved. we want nothing but positive vibes during this process, and as much as our families love us, they have a tendency to sprinkle situations with negativity. so we are only confiding in two of our really good friends and they have been complete dolls. back to my weird mother... she would not get off the baby subject! i told her we'd have a baby one day. little does she know that ive been taking prenatal vitamins for a month or so, that ive been going to the doctor about three times, and that we are already planning to get a second bedroom apartment when our lease is up. I just want it to all be surprise. I really hope and pray that everything happens the smoothest fastest way possible. we are so ready to be moms.

Who are we, you ask?

Well, hello again! Glad you've come back. I guess now is a great moment to introduce ourselves.

I am embarking on this journey with my love, my wife, my partner of eight years. I'll call her A, even though I doubt that anyone that knows us will find this blog. She is my favorite person in the world. She is the person I can go to and look to for support, for a laugh, for a shoulder to cry on, and for a kick in the butt when I feel like the world hates me. We met over eight years ago, back in the prehistoric times when meeting someone online in a chat room was creepy. It was fate for us to meet, and I fell instantly. There was something different about her, and our connection was undeniable. We've been inseparable since then.

We both come from pretty conservative, Catholic, Mexican families. Her family is huge, with lots of people everywhere, and little to no privacy. I love them though, and after they realized I wasn't going anywhere, they embraced me and welcomed me. My family is a bit smaller. We are close, and far at the same time. My family was also apprehensive of my relationship with A, but after seeing how amazing she is, they have come to love her almost as much as I do.

Its not a fairy tale. We have learned throughout the years, that relationships are hard work. Its a lot of compromises, a lot of picking and choosing your battles, and alot of self reflection. We have grown alot. We moved in together months after meeting, living off of ramen noodles, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and puppy love. Three years ago, we realized that we had changed. Our relationship went through a month that was touch and go, but our love was stronger than either of us even realized and we bounced back stronger and closer than ever.

We have now come to the point in our lives, when (this is going to be super cheesy, so brace yourself) our love for each other is so much and so overflowing that we need another person to pick up the slack. A little one to make us complete. We're ready.

And in more relevant PB (pre baby) news:
I got my period! This might be the last period that I "want" :) Hopefully. So here's where we are now:

I have an appointment on Wednesday. I will be going in for and ultrasound, FDA with CMV, and a counsil with fragile X testing. If you are lost in the doctor jargon, we are in the boat together.

 I have to be honest, speaking to the doctor and the nurse is a little intimidating. Don't get me wrong, they are very nice and have not made me feel uncomfortable at all. That was actually one of our concerns being a lesbian couple. We were bracing ourselves for a wierd look, or a dismissing comment, but lucky for us none of that happened.

I will keep yall posted on how everything goes on Wednesday. Wish me luck! :)

In the beginning...

So it begins. Let me introduce myself. I'm G and my wife's name is A. We have been together for eight years. It'll be officially eight in a couple of weeks. Time has really flown by.

She comes from a large boisterous family and I come from a small tight knit one. We have always known we wanted a family of our own, but we would always find a reason to wait. We were too young, financially unstable, having too much fun, or just plain not ready... I turned 27 last month and on my birthday she said she was ready. In that instant I knew I was too. Inside of me grew a hope that we could soon become a little family. That our love, the love that had gone through its highs and lows, would bear the fruit of a little person.

Soon, I made an appointment with a fertility clinic. I was diagnosed with pcos last April and we want to be as prepared as possible. Our first appointment went wonderfully. Better than expected actually. Met our doctor, Dr. G. He's one of the leading doctors in the fertility field. He was very understanding and explained the whole process very in depth. Even the timeframe was shorter than we expected.

Now, I'm feeling a bit nervous. I have to wait until my January period arrives so I can get started with the testing process. Much to my annoyance, my period is two weeks late. I'm trying not to get too stressed about it, but it's hard not to wonder what's all going on in my nether regions. I don't want my ovaries thinking this is a vacation they can take anytime they want. I need them to make big healthy eggs so our insem goes smoothly and hopefully we can have good news on our first try. The waiting game is the hardest thing for me since I am a control freak and patience is not my best quality.

Financially, this was a huge eye opener. After looking online at possible sperm banks and possible donors, we realized that a huge chunk of our money will go into buying, storing, and shipping the "stuff" as we call it. We are very blessed that our insurance covers all the testing and ultrasounds.

To you, reader, thank you for joining our journey and we ask that you send us positive baby vibes. We can use all the positive energy we can get :)