Good Luck Signs and Random Writings

Well, hello there. We've had some pretty good days since the money came in. Got to buy .5 of our baby. That was interesting...

Friday morning, I called NC but they are 2 hours behind and I had to pretend to work while I waited for them to open. Finally, I was able to speak to someone and excitedly ordered our seamen. Donor 122M? Oh, no. He is no longer available. WTH? Its ok though. We liked him, but ultimately, we knew that this could happen and A gave me the ok to make an executive decision. And I did. I chose Mr. 1611. His profile was pretty average, except for one thing. On the essay, he was asked why he was donating. All the other guys went on to say how much they wanted to help childless couples have children and other noble reasons, not Mr. 1611. He was brutally honest and answered that he needed the money. No frills. Right then, I called NC back and ordered the seamen.

We are now just waiting on AF. She has made sure I know she's on her way, making me cramp on and off all day. I don't mind. I'll be happy to see her.

I am great believer in signs, and I feel like I have seen signs everywhere lately. Starting the week I had to get my HSG done. I had to make at least a partial payment, and luckily I received my refund and was able to make the payment on time so I wouldn't be delayed. If you have been reading this, then you also know that we were waiting on A's refund to buy the seamen. We were almost at the point of giving up and had said that if by Friday it didn't come through then we were just going to wait until next cycle. Thursday night, our phones buzzed and a text message came through. The money was in.  The most recent sign was Saturday. As A was driving, I noticed a bug on me. At first I freaked out a little it. Then I realized it was a ladybug. She walked on me and flew to my hand. I looked up the significance of ladybugs. After all, ladybugs are considered good luck. Turns out that they are associated with the Virgin Mary. I am a great believer that she listens to those that are really in need, and in my situation, she has listened to me every time I needed her. So, I am trusting the signs. I know A's grandfather has also been watching over us and he knows how much we love each other.

Today at work, something came over me and I couldn't stop writing. Here's goes what I wrote:

My days are fueled with lots of hoping and dreaming. I close my eyes and visualize the two halves meeting and it being love at first sight. S taking F's hand and leading her towards the empty dance floor. S & F becoming one and then becoming many. The greatest love story never told. It would be amazing if it happened like that. That even in a microscopic realm, it was love that ruled. That every organism, no matter how small had the chance of feeling. What makes us want to create our own little one. The kind of love that buries itself, not only in your brain & heart, but your bones, running through your veins. Feeling it pulse beneath your skin. What if the love I feel, my cells feel, which in turn, F feels. That she knows how much we want this and that she will make herself as receptive to S's attention as possible. Cells can feel, cant they? I mean, they are the building blocks that create the producers of feelings. They create and make up the heart that not only beats to sustain you, but that beats that burning sensation when one  thinks of that someone. It creates the stomach, that churns with a million butterflies when that someone is close. They build the brain, that sometimes is the only tether to reality. The one rational voice that asks you to slow down, think about it, realize there are other scenarios. They have to feel, those cells. Because if they don't, then we wouldn't live. If they don't, then we'd be dead. No longer alive with love, hope and fear. So, little cells, I close my eyes, i transmit all my love and want to you. I hope you feel it little cells and pass it on to F & S. That they fall desperately in love and never ever separate. 

Random, I know.

Ching Ching!!

Money just came in!! Buying the seamen tomorrow! So freaking excited!!

Sigh...

Damn IRS messing up our perfectly laid out plans... I'm supposed to be getting AF next Monday. Then I start clomid on cd3 and should be having our first insem march 8th. Well... All that is really pretty on paper, but we have not received a's tax return. So, not that all hope is lost, but it's turned into just a little glimmer. If AF holds off until Monday and we were to get the money by Friday, we can order the seamen and be ready. I know we decided that if it didnt happen this month it was going to be ok. Everything happens for a reason....blah...blah... But I'm having terrible Pms and my emotions are all over the place.
Since we started talking about it, the desire to have a baby has dug itself deep in my heart. Now it won't let up. Just gets deeper and stronger. A year ago I would have thought me feeling this would've been crazy, but holy crap. I'm ready! Now to find a couple of goals for the next thirty days. Lose weight? Stop smoking? Read more? Paint more? Jeebus, we'll see what happens.

barbecue and beatles

its been a couple of weeks since the hsg. to my utter content and relief, everything flowed correctly. that along with the u/s findings that i have one ovary with 7 follicles and one with 16, has created this really positive and exciting aura that we go to sleep in, wake up in, and spend all day in. physically i am very ready. all tests out of the way, all results known, all im waiting on is cd1. then we jump on the clomid train, ovulation patrol, and finally insemination.

unfortunately, we are in a bit of a fuzzy stage monetarily. we have planned to do this with a's tax return which was delayed due to the incompetence in decision making skills in washington. ive been anxiously checking the irs website to see if it has been processed or not, but no answer yet. we had a talk and came up with a plan. we are huge believers in signs and that everything happens for a reason. if the money is in by wed. we will be ordering the seamen on friday to have them shipped to our dr's office for use in the next couple of weeks. if wed comes and goes and theres no money in our account, then it wasnt meant to happen this cycle and we will wait to insem in april. either way is fine by me. I know things that are rushed dont usually turn out well, and this is one of those things that I need to turn out well.

thats where we are now. playing the waiting game. fun...

my mother has been freaking me out. the other day we were at her house, working on a jigsaw puzzle and watching the latest novela, when she blurted out, "you need to have a baby already!" my mouth fell open and i glanced at a hoping she'd see that i havent said one word to her about our plans. i probably havent mentioned this, but when we decided to start a family, we knew we didnt want our families involved. we want nothing but positive vibes during this process, and as much as our families love us, they have a tendency to sprinkle situations with negativity. so we are only confiding in two of our really good friends and they have been complete dolls. back to my weird mother... she would not get off the baby subject! i told her we'd have a baby one day. little does she know that ive been taking prenatal vitamins for a month or so, that ive been going to the doctor about three times, and that we are already planning to get a second bedroom apartment when our lease is up. I just want it to all be surprise. I really hope and pray that everything happens the smoothest fastest way possible. we are so ready to be moms.